On a Southwest Flight to Irvine, California, 2011

It is difficult to find the words to express the awe, rapture and ecstasy that live at the core of my experience. That I, a mere mortal, can feel such longing for communion with the Beloved and feel such Intelligence course through me in these ecstatic waves of pleasure so sublime that it is painful is such a gift, a gift that is also so far removed from what I thought possible.

My dearly Beloved, I beseech you to take me, to allow me to merge with this love that is coursing through every cell of my body as I feel this pull, the pull of longing toward you. I beg of you – release me from this mortal coil so that I may serve your sublimity here on earth. Take these hands, this mind, my heart and employ them in the service of your creation, your intelligence and your love. I am nothing without you, without your eternal presence in my awareness, merged with your Being, manifesting your will.

The kriyas began on March 11th, just a little over two weeks ago and they have become a constant companion. They morph and  change from moment to moment, day to day. Now there is not only shaking but there are waves of undulating movement nearly erotic in their sweetness. They both seize and transport me into realms that are unpredictable and which vary in intensity; however, these last two weeks, the energy moving through me has become more intensely painful and sweet, sometimes unbearably so, and yet I bear them, experiencing them as a portal to Divinity, to my own Divinity, here on this mortal plane. I am listening carefully to this silence but I hear nothing, “just” this fierce Intelligence moving through me, instilling in me the vast silence of space; the smooth, sometimes effortless flow of energy as it gently moves my body in undulating waves of ecstasy; or, intense nearly violent contractions powerful enough to lift me off the bed. And my prayers for unity intensify the movements, the sweet Unfathomable to which I feel drawn and which seems to want me as much as I long for release into It.

Sometimes the darkness is Dark beyond words and an existential fear, angst, pervades my bones and cells, sinew, making me hot with fever, cold with terror. I do not know the source of this fear and cannot name it but as ecstatic as the rapture is, this fear is as intense at the other end of the spectrum. I cannot predict when these feelings of abject terror and the ensuing ferocity will occur but my prayer is accelerated with the realization that without the help of this Intelligence, I will not survive it. Sometimes I see things that make me weep and a humility born of tears and the deepest love and grief spreads through me, and I feel like I am being torn asunder. I cry: for the Beloved, for those I love and have loved, and for those who love me. I ask for forgiveness, for absolution and sometimes for death, if that is what is being asked of me. I feel such exquisite love for my son, the thought of whom brings tears to my eyes. I understand why I was so reluctant to love him as a small boy in the face of emotion this strong: The potential for loss exists and how would I ever bear it? But the sweetness of Love is by nature unbearable.

I listen to Fauré’s Requiem and feel the music begin in my legs and move up in waves of longing that feel as though they will break me, break my heart. I feel it in my loins, in my heart as pressure builds to a crescendo that is so sublime, so awesome in its power, its glory. Tension. Release. Contraction. Expansion. Light. Darkness. Fear. Abandon. Surrender. Ascension. The beauty of the human voice to transcend this mortal plane and to take me to my Beloved; To bare/bear my soul for the Beloved. This vessel that is my temple for this Soul is too small for all this Love, for this glory and for my soul that longs to merge with all the Love and Glory of the Universe. Please grant me the will to survive this love, this pain, this fever of desire that courses through my being and longs to be liberated from any confines. I surrender to you and know my will is thy will. I am nothing without your love, without your presence permeating every cell of my body. I long for nothing but to surrender to your Grace, Love and Wisdom, the intelligence of your every action. Oh my God, how could I not have known? How could I not have seen? My heart is breaking, aching with longing, desire.

This love plays my body as if it were an instrument. I feel the piano and my heartstrings as one. It rises up from the depths of my soul. The violins fill my chest with space that is then filled by my soul as it ascends, merges with the Universe that is Love. There is nothing held back, my surrender is not tentative, not predicated on any condition, any fear. Of what am I made? Liquid gold? Shimmering light? I feel fluid, ecstatic – not bound by thought, not even bound by Love, flowing like a river of hot, luminous gold following the contours of this Abandonment, this surrender. Heaven calls. I hear the chorus of angels, of whom I am one.

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