From the Inside, Out

Up until yesterday, the experiences I have been having have been outward. The movement of my body has been outward; my prayers have been directed outward in their devotion. The dialogue has been with the Beloved, a Beloved who existed outside of me; whom I love, revere and whose love has been agonizing. Yesterday, something changed. It began as usual but at some point, I said that I was going to stop speaking and was going to listen, to see if there was something this divine presence wanted to say to me. At first, there was silence; but then, a voice, my voice, began speaking to me. It was me talking to myself but from a different perspective; the love and the power were not outside of me: they were inside of me.

I was promised that I was not nor would I ever be, from this point forward, alone. I was told that things would not always turn out the way I hoped or expected, but that they would always be instructive. I was told I was loved and that I would feel a sense of courage now in my life that had hitherto been unknown by me; and that this awakening had its responsibilities, one of which being that I must act, that I must move through life no longer from a position of fear but with knowledge that I was involved in a partnership; that I had an advocate.

The energy surges that accompanied this conversation were from deep within me, riveting my body and moving it in a sensual swaying that was all encompassing. The surges were electrical in nature and were very hard to endure – they were actually painful. I felt as if I were being exploded from the inside out. And they came with a warning that they were coming and that I should brace myself.

This voice of the Beloved, my voice, was loving and kind. It did not feel separate from who and what I am but I still felt devoted to it; grateful to it and loving beyond all measure to It. This It and I did not feel separate but I also felt confused, overpowered by this force and it did not feel familiar. Is this true? Yes, to a certain degree, this is true. It felt neither foreign nor familiar…it just is what Is. I did not feel the reverence and devotion I had felt before, but I felt and feel wonder, awe…and this feels all the more mysterious.

I sometimes fear that I will forget all of these adventures if I do not write them down.

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